It's been awhile since my last post, as I've been cranky and busy. This leaves little time for diatribes on what infuriates me in Columbia. Additionally, being busy for me means I don't get to spend much time in Columbia interacting with the things that plague me, and this town. This is both good and bad, on one side I don't have to deal with the silliness of the Kinkos that can't figure out how to make cards, the Zombieness of Creig, or even the extreme lack of decent food and shopping in the area. That would be the good. On the other side it means I don't get to be creative and poke fun at all the things that make me cranky. So, since I have a few minutes this evening, and there are a number of new places to attack, I'm gonna poke fun at Columbia...again.
The new Columbia Gateway Overlook shopping center is definitely the easiest new thing at which to sling mud. This mega shopping center brings all the things that should have been here 10 years ago. It includes such simple things as a Trader Joes, a Costco, a Houlihans, an On the Border, some crappy (possibly French) cafe thing that is out of place, a Lowes (maybe now HomeDepot will stop sucking), something called 5 Below (seems like the dollar store + 4), and a right wingding Christian book store (also out of place). The funniest thing about it is I can't believe it took so long for these retailers to realize that there is no competition in Columbia.
Here are some simple examples of no competition in Columbia
Mexican food: Don Pablos, the most awful Mexican food possible. Taco bell and this place go round for round on who can give you the most gas. (Mar y Tiera in King's Contrivance was good for about three weeks, before even these hard-working restaurateurs realized where they were and stopped trying.)
American Food: TGI Fridays, and some assorted other low-brow eateries. The last time some thing came out that kitchen sizzling, Nixon was president.
Home Improvement: HomeDepot (HomeDespot), if you find an employee at this location that has actually built something, explain to them that Lowes is now open and they should be with their own kind.
Electronics and other such stuff: Best Buy and CompUseless, where the F*ck is my Fry's or Circuit City.
Groceries: Safeway and Giant, they are in every village center and they all blow. I challenge you to find 2% low-fat organic yogurt at these stores.
Hopefully, now that Trader Joes, On the Border, Houlihans, Costco, and Lowes are on the scene things will begin to suck less. Additionally, I hope someone who owns a Fry's, Circuit City, Rio Grande, Ruth Chris, Whole Foods, Wild Oats, or just about anything that doesn't suck reads my blog. If you do please come to Columbia, we have people and money, and no good stuff, I swear.
But I digress, the real point of this entry was to discuss the fact that "On the Border", "Houlihans", and Trader Joes are now open. For the next two or three weeks all these stores will be in top form. The reason for this, is that the best of the best waitresses, chefs, and bag boys/girls from all the other locations are on site training the real staff. So quickly, while it's good, get the waitress from Arkansas ( not kidding ) at On the Border to make your guacamole in front of you, before the guy from Kinkos who can't work the copier tries to do it.
Hopefully I'm wrong about this possibility of a bleak future. Hopefully, this is the turning over of a new leaf in Columbia. But I won't be holding my breath.
Before I close out this entry tonight, I want to state one more thing. For all those old timers in Columbia that are Cranky about Columbia OverLook and like to call it Box Store Hill and complain about how it looks, and about big stores killing local merchants, I have one thing to say: "Go die in a fire". The local merchants left years ago, there is no good food, and if it wasn't for the Internet I wouldn't have had anywhere to spend my money for the past 3 years. Oh that reminds me, Comcast eat a bag, I've got FIOS now.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Creig Northrop is a Zombie
If you watch TV, drive, or even walk in Columbia you know who Creig Northrop is. Additionally you know all about the Northrop Team and wonders of his Real Estate Empire. Unfortunately this guy is scary looking, and his mug is on every one of the Long and Foster "For Sale" signs. This guy is so scary that the runner up in Columbia is a guy named Pat Hiban, who isn't scary looking but his name is only a few characters short of Hymen. High School must of been a bitch for that guy. But I digress, every time I see a picture of good ole Creig (why can't you spell is the easy way), I think of an old movie. That old movie is Night of the Living Dead, cause this guy looks like a zombie.
Just in case you don't know Creig, here is a picture:
and here is a picture of a Zombie
I believe the proof is obvious.
Just in case you don't know Creig, here is a picture:
and here is a picture of a Zombie
I believe the proof is obvious.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Baltimore-area Vendors That Rock
Cranky and I frequently use this blog to rant about the lost art of customer service. We've bemoaned the incompetence of Kinkos, the laziness of contractors and the dearth of fine dining in suburbia. Finally, we have something good to report!
If you read the Kinkos fiasco you know that we were in the throes of planning a wedding. This is a daunting task, because no matter how much time, money and emotional fortitude you throw at the "Wedding-Industrial Complex" the "machine" will find a way to demand more...More...MORE!
Eventually you realize that you are powerless. You gave up any semblance of control the day you signed your first wedding-related contract. You no longer have the option of refusing to pay for stuff you never knew you wanted, or needed. You no longer have control over when or why you use annual leave; it's now commandeered for countless vendor appointments, often with last-minute re-scheduling, at times that are invariably only convenient for the vendor. Worst of all, family and friends suddenly decide that it's open season on the engaged couple; launching a volley of suggestions, excuses and complaints, as though the event in question were really about them, and not the couple getting married.
We had some interesting problems with our wedding. More vexing than any of the suggestions, and/or complaints we received from loved ones were the things we did not receive from our vendors. These things came mostly in the form of services paid for, but not rendered. For example, we did not receive a refund on our $3000 deposit, paid to one now-defunct charter company by the name of Clipper City Tall Ship, LLC. I also did not receive a call from Columbia Bridal & Tuxedo to cancel my dress fitting; instead they let me find out the hard way that my dress was not ready on the day that I was scheduled to come in for a fitting (there goes another half day of annual leave...).
To say I was an unwilling participant in planning my own wedding is an understatement. Cranky often had to console me as I shook my fists at the sky and declared that I hated "The Wedding." However, in retrospect, I must say that the actual affair turned out beautifully. Everything was special and lovely and magical and...dare I say, perfect.
This was all thanks to a couple of fantastic companies that actually did their jobs. Finding them wasn't easy, it literally happened by accident.
The sheer effort of finding a place to have a wedding in the Baltimore-Washington area took a lot out of Mr. and Mrs. Cranky. The thought of plunking down major coin for a four-hour extravaganza just didn't sit right with us. Yet the traditionalist lurking within crumbled when both sets of parents (who wisely chose to elope) said "Oh, a wedding will be so much fun!" I had one requirement: waterfront. So we started looking for a suitable waterfront venue that didn't require a Hollywood pocketbook, but wouldn't result in Styrofoam containers and paper napkins. This was far more challenging than I ever imagined.
What I should have done is gone straight down to the Inner Harbor and asked for Laura Givens at the USS Constellation museum (www.constellation.org). Laid-back, friendly and competent, Laura made us feel at ease about moving our event from the ill-fated Clipper City to the much classier Constellation. She also has a good relationship with Charles Levine Catering, whom we had already retained through Clipper City.
Charles is an event-planning genius with culinary skills to match. He took care of the flowers, the staffing, the bar, the cake, the tables and chairs, the linens, the music and the food. He read my mind on all of those things without me having to do the work of figuring out how I really wanted the wedding to look, taste and sound.
His crab cakes were all backfin, with just enough filler to hold them together. The wedding cake was the closest approximation to a Snickers bar I could imagine possible. Then there was Joel Holmes, a Peabody Conservatory-trained jazz musician with an entourage of talent that includes his violinist wife and a congo player to make Tito Puente proud. Nothing beats dancing to the rhythms of Latin jazz under the stars and the rigging of an authentic tall ship!
If you read the Kinkos fiasco you know that we were in the throes of planning a wedding. This is a daunting task, because no matter how much time, money and emotional fortitude you throw at the "Wedding-Industrial Complex" the "machine" will find a way to demand more...More...MORE!
Eventually you realize that you are powerless. You gave up any semblance of control the day you signed your first wedding-related contract. You no longer have the option of refusing to pay for stuff you never knew you wanted, or needed. You no longer have control over when or why you use annual leave; it's now commandeered for countless vendor appointments, often with last-minute re-scheduling, at times that are invariably only convenient for the vendor. Worst of all, family and friends suddenly decide that it's open season on the engaged couple; launching a volley of suggestions, excuses and complaints, as though the event in question were really about them, and not the couple getting married.
We had some interesting problems with our wedding. More vexing than any of the suggestions, and/or complaints we received from loved ones were the things we did not receive from our vendors. These things came mostly in the form of services paid for, but not rendered. For example, we did not receive a refund on our $3000 deposit, paid to one now-defunct charter company by the name of Clipper City Tall Ship, LLC. I also did not receive a call from Columbia Bridal & Tuxedo to cancel my dress fitting; instead they let me find out the hard way that my dress was not ready on the day that I was scheduled to come in for a fitting (there goes another half day of annual leave...).
To say I was an unwilling participant in planning my own wedding is an understatement. Cranky often had to console me as I shook my fists at the sky and declared that I hated "The Wedding." However, in retrospect, I must say that the actual affair turned out beautifully. Everything was special and lovely and magical and...dare I say, perfect.
This was all thanks to a couple of fantastic companies that actually did their jobs. Finding them wasn't easy, it literally happened by accident.
The sheer effort of finding a place to have a wedding in the Baltimore-Washington area took a lot out of Mr. and Mrs. Cranky. The thought of plunking down major coin for a four-hour extravaganza just didn't sit right with us. Yet the traditionalist lurking within crumbled when both sets of parents (who wisely chose to elope) said "Oh, a wedding will be so much fun!" I had one requirement: waterfront. So we started looking for a suitable waterfront venue that didn't require a Hollywood pocketbook, but wouldn't result in Styrofoam containers and paper napkins. This was far more challenging than I ever imagined.
What I should have done is gone straight down to the Inner Harbor and asked for Laura Givens at the USS Constellation museum (www.constellation.org). Laid-back, friendly and competent, Laura made us feel at ease about moving our event from the ill-fated Clipper City to the much classier Constellation. She also has a good relationship with Charles Levine Catering, whom we had already retained through Clipper City.Charles is an event-planning genius with culinary skills to match. He took care of the flowers, the staffing, the bar, the cake, the tables and chairs, the linens, the music and the food. He read my mind on all of those things without me having to do the work of figuring out how I really wanted the wedding to look, taste and sound.
His crab cakes were all backfin, with just enough filler to hold them together. The wedding cake was the closest approximation to a Snickers bar I could imagine possible. Then there was Joel Holmes, a Peabody Conservatory-trained jazz musician with an entourage of talent that includes his violinist wife and a congo player to make Tito Puente proud. Nothing beats dancing to the rhythms of Latin jazz under the stars and the rigging of an authentic tall ship!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
WiFi Fun
Cranky really enjoys being able to blog, work, surf the net, and goof off anywhere in the house. So when my D-Link Wireless AP's finally died I was very depressed and knew that I finally needed to upgrade the WiFi network. Since I'm a technical guy I did my homework and layed out several requirements for what I needed.
Requirements.
1. There is no hardwired internet upstairs so i needed something with an Ethernet jack that I could plug into my switches so the upstairs desktop computers still worked.
2. The hardwired ethernet in the house is downstairs and is all Gig-E so the BaseStation needed to be gig-e.
3. I really needed WDS so all the AP's and Base Stations could act as one big network.
4. I needed something that would work with my legacy 802.11b/g wireless cards in some of the laptops.
5. I wanted something that also supported 802.11n and MIMO.
6. It needed to be easy to work with and deploy
Based on those requirements I came to two conclusions. Either Apple Airports or linksys WRT300N's. Both seemed reasonable choices, and the Linksys boxes are even hackable which adds all kinds of other neat features.
In the end I went with the Apple setup, the main reason was each Airport Express had and extra feature that the linksys AP's don't have. They have an audio jack that allows you to stream music to them. This sold me, as I have several stereo systems in the house that I could finally stream all my mp3's too.
Nows the part where I bitch about Columbia. I went to go purchase my Airports, since CompuUseless was the closed store, I headed there. What I found was no Airports or Extremes, or even the Linksys devices I scoped out. I also found no staff. This store should be closed down, it never has anything I need. Radio Shack carries more stuff in it's store in the Mall. I want a Fry's, Fry's is way better than CompUseless and Best Buy.
Once I realized that CompUseless was useless I headed to the Apple Store at the mall. Thankfully Columbia just got one of these, it's been open for about 5 months. I really didn't want to drive down to Tysons to the real Apple store that's been there forever..... The Columbia Mall Apple store actually impressed me, it had lots of inventory and also had everything I needed. I also found out that sales associates are called Mac Geniuses, so I tested them with the following question.
Do the Apple Extreme support MIMO and WDS, also since it support 802.11g will performance degrade in mixed 802.11b/g/n environments?
This was met with very blank stares, I realized Geniuses meant sales associate. I returned the nice person to their proper customer greeting location and pointed them to someone with an easier question.
At least they had all my gear. So for the details on cost and setup, read on.
Cost:
1. Apple Base Station Extreme - ~180.00 US
2. 2 x Apple Express - ~100.00 US ( 200 total )
Total cost roughly $380.00
I also had another Express that I received as a gift from work. So all in all 3 apple expresses and one apple extreme.
The checkout lady thought I must be wiring a warehouse, with all this glories WiFi power.
Setup:
1. Install the CD that comes with the Extreme First. It contains a utility called Airport Utility, this is the only CD you actually need to install. Don't use the utilities from the Express CD's.
2. Plugin the Extreme and fire up the Airport Utility
3. You'll see the picture of the hardware on the scree, Click on Manual Setup.
4. Under "Wireless" tab set Wireless mode to "Participate in WDS network". This is the most important step.
5. Configure all the other tabs to your liking / network. Make sure the Extreme has a unique name for your network also write down it's Airport ID number.
6. Open all the Express boxes and write down their airport ids
7. On the WDS tab on the Extreme set mode to "Base Station" a little box will show up for all the Client IDS. Add all the Aiport Ids for the Expresses to this box.
8. Save everything and wait for it to reboot.
Setup for the Expresses
1. Plugin in one express at a time for this.
2. The express will show up in the Airport Utility also. Click on Manual Setup.
3. Under Wireless set Wireless mode to "participate in wds network"
4. Go to WDS tab, set it to "remote base", then type in the Airport ID for the extreme in the box.
5. Set the name for the network to something other than what the extreme is. Save and reboot it.
6. Connect to the Expresses network name with your wifi. Browse Internet, if everything is working it's talking to the basestation and the basestation is forwarding it to the internet.
7. Return to Airport Utility and bring the Express back up. Change the network name to the same name as the Extreme. Save reboot.
8. Rinse repeat for the other Expresses.
Once everything is up, i suggest turning on WPA security. The reason for this is that with 3 expresses and 1 base station you are now a wireless hot spot for your entire neighborhood. People two block away will get signal on your gear.
Requirements.
1. There is no hardwired internet upstairs so i needed something with an Ethernet jack that I could plug into my switches so the upstairs desktop computers still worked.
2. The hardwired ethernet in the house is downstairs and is all Gig-E so the BaseStation needed to be gig-e.
3. I really needed WDS so all the AP's and Base Stations could act as one big network.
4. I needed something that would work with my legacy 802.11b/g wireless cards in some of the laptops.
5. I wanted something that also supported 802.11n and MIMO.
6. It needed to be easy to work with and deploy
Based on those requirements I came to two conclusions. Either Apple Airports or linksys WRT300N's. Both seemed reasonable choices, and the Linksys boxes are even hackable which adds all kinds of other neat features.
In the end I went with the Apple setup, the main reason was each Airport Express had and extra feature that the linksys AP's don't have. They have an audio jack that allows you to stream music to them. This sold me, as I have several stereo systems in the house that I could finally stream all my mp3's too.
Nows the part where I bitch about Columbia. I went to go purchase my Airports, since CompuUseless was the closed store, I headed there. What I found was no Airports or Extremes, or even the Linksys devices I scoped out. I also found no staff. This store should be closed down, it never has anything I need. Radio Shack carries more stuff in it's store in the Mall. I want a Fry's, Fry's is way better than CompUseless and Best Buy.
Once I realized that CompUseless was useless I headed to the Apple Store at the mall. Thankfully Columbia just got one of these, it's been open for about 5 months. I really didn't want to drive down to Tysons to the real Apple store that's been there forever..... The Columbia Mall Apple store actually impressed me, it had lots of inventory and also had everything I needed. I also found out that sales associates are called Mac Geniuses, so I tested them with the following question.
Do the Apple Extreme support MIMO and WDS, also since it support 802.11g will performance degrade in mixed 802.11b/g/n environments?
This was met with very blank stares, I realized Geniuses meant sales associate. I returned the nice person to their proper customer greeting location and pointed them to someone with an easier question.
At least they had all my gear. So for the details on cost and setup, read on.
Cost:
1. Apple Base Station Extreme - ~180.00 US
2. 2 x Apple Express - ~100.00 US ( 200 total )
Total cost roughly $380.00
I also had another Express that I received as a gift from work. So all in all 3 apple expresses and one apple extreme.
The checkout lady thought I must be wiring a warehouse, with all this glories WiFi power.
Setup:
1. Install the CD that comes with the Extreme First. It contains a utility called Airport Utility, this is the only CD you actually need to install. Don't use the utilities from the Express CD's.
2. Plugin the Extreme and fire up the Airport Utility
3. You'll see the picture of the hardware on the scree, Click on Manual Setup.
4. Under "Wireless" tab set Wireless mode to "Participate in WDS network". This is the most important step.
5. Configure all the other tabs to your liking / network. Make sure the Extreme has a unique name for your network also write down it's Airport ID number.
6. Open all the Express boxes and write down their airport ids
7. On the WDS tab on the Extreme set mode to "Base Station" a little box will show up for all the Client IDS. Add all the Aiport Ids for the Expresses to this box.
8. Save everything and wait for it to reboot.
Setup for the Expresses
1. Plugin in one express at a time for this.
2. The express will show up in the Airport Utility also. Click on Manual Setup.
3. Under Wireless set Wireless mode to "participate in wds network"
4. Go to WDS tab, set it to "remote base", then type in the Airport ID for the extreme in the box.
5. Set the name for the network to something other than what the extreme is. Save and reboot it.
6. Connect to the Expresses network name with your wifi. Browse Internet, if everything is working it's talking to the basestation and the basestation is forwarding it to the internet.
7. Return to Airport Utility and bring the Express back up. Change the network name to the same name as the Extreme. Save reboot.
8. Rinse repeat for the other Expresses.
Once everything is up, i suggest turning on WPA security. The reason for this is that with 3 expresses and 1 base station you are now a wireless hot spot for your entire neighborhood. People two block away will get signal on your gear.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Top 10 Vacation/Travel Faux pas
A list of the top 10 Vacation Faux pas committed by others while I was on vacation.
1. Leave me alone - If you come across another person (or people) when walking in a deserted area that is really pretty, don't go in the same direction they are going. Go explore somewhere else.
2. When in Rome - Don't complain to the locals about how backwards they are. These people live there and you don't. They don't want you there and they don't care what you have to say.
3. You are not a local - Don't explain to other people how the locals do stuff after you've been there for two days. You're wrong and now you've spread your stupidity to others who might follow your example.
4. The local food is different - If you're in India don't order anything that doesn't sound Indian. Suck it up and try the Vindaloo. Also remember that if you're in Europe and you attempt to order a Coors Lite someone will stab you for drinking janky beer.
5. Boat Parking - Learn how to park your boat in an anchorage. You put out 5 times the depth in anchor rope (3, if you have chain). This is a simple math problem: depth is twenty feet, you put out 5 x 20 = 100 feet of rope. This also means your boat can rotate in a ~160 foot radius from center. Don't park closer than 160 feet from me, you douche bag.
6. Your pet isn't cute - Just because it's a beach doesn't mean it's a dog park. If you let your misbehaved dog off the leash and it gets near me, pees on me, or barks at me I might eat it later. (May 19th is Eat Your Pet Day, by the way)
7. Leash your children - If you are in some place that isn't made for children like a restaurant, museum, beach bar, grocery store, busy intersection, etc, leash your kids and keep them quiet. It's your fault you had them, don't bother me with your mistake.
8. Don't be a douche in airport security - The big sign says take off your shoes, put your shit in the bucket, take out your laptop, and put all your liquids/make-up/sunscreen in ziplock bags, get out your boarding pass, and show ID. It's in big letters and 3rd grade English, just do it, and do it fast, you're holding up the line. Also if the TSA guy with a no high school diploma has to give you detailed instructions you might want to reassess your own importance.
9. Boarding Groups aren't complex - If you're on a Southwest flight they have a concept called boarding groups. It's not hard, your ticket has A, B or C on it. Get in that line and stay there. A boards first, then B, then C, just in case you missed it.
10. Don't stand in the middle - Standing in the middle of a moving walk way or escalator is dangerous. In most places people say excuse me and politely pass you, in NY or London they will mow you down with no remorse, and then blame you for your own stupidity.
1. Leave me alone - If you come across another person (or people) when walking in a deserted area that is really pretty, don't go in the same direction they are going. Go explore somewhere else.
2. When in Rome - Don't complain to the locals about how backwards they are. These people live there and you don't. They don't want you there and they don't care what you have to say.
3. You are not a local - Don't explain to other people how the locals do stuff after you've been there for two days. You're wrong and now you've spread your stupidity to others who might follow your example.
4. The local food is different - If you're in India don't order anything that doesn't sound Indian. Suck it up and try the Vindaloo. Also remember that if you're in Europe and you attempt to order a Coors Lite someone will stab you for drinking janky beer.
5. Boat Parking - Learn how to park your boat in an anchorage. You put out 5 times the depth in anchor rope (3, if you have chain). This is a simple math problem: depth is twenty feet, you put out 5 x 20 = 100 feet of rope. This also means your boat can rotate in a ~160 foot radius from center. Don't park closer than 160 feet from me, you douche bag.
6. Your pet isn't cute - Just because it's a beach doesn't mean it's a dog park. If you let your misbehaved dog off the leash and it gets near me, pees on me, or barks at me I might eat it later. (May 19th is Eat Your Pet Day, by the way)
7. Leash your children - If you are in some place that isn't made for children like a restaurant, museum, beach bar, grocery store, busy intersection, etc, leash your kids and keep them quiet. It's your fault you had them, don't bother me with your mistake.
8. Don't be a douche in airport security - The big sign says take off your shoes, put your shit in the bucket, take out your laptop, and put all your liquids/make-up/sunscreen in ziplock bags, get out your boarding pass, and show ID. It's in big letters and 3rd grade English, just do it, and do it fast, you're holding up the line. Also if the TSA guy with a no high school diploma has to give you detailed instructions you might want to reassess your own importance.
9. Boarding Groups aren't complex - If you're on a Southwest flight they have a concept called boarding groups. It's not hard, your ticket has A, B or C on it. Get in that line and stay there. A boards first, then B, then C, just in case you missed it.
10. Don't stand in the middle - Standing in the middle of a moving walk way or escalator is dangerous. In most places people say excuse me and politely pass you, in NY or London they will mow you down with no remorse, and then blame you for your own stupidity.
Why do you people follow me?
For years now I've been searching for the perfect vacation spot. Somewhere far away from everyone, close to nothing, and featuring Mai-Tais. Each time I go somewhere new it always starts out great, no one is there, it is far away from everything, and the Mai Tais are excellent. Then, the next time I go, *you* people are there; taking up space and complaining about how far away it is, how there is nothing there and that the Mai Tais are too good. If I mistakenly return for a third time, someone has built a Wal-Mart and a shopping Mall, and the Mai Tais have been watered down to appeal to the tastes of the people who don't know what a good Mai Tais is. So why do you people follow me?
This is somewhat of a rhetorical question, as I know why you people follow me. You follow me because the places I go are great, and you don't realize that the lack of your presence is what makes it great. This isn't entirely your fault, though. You have simply missed one of the important lessons in life: "how to vacation". Most people think they know how to vacation, they think they know how to relax, however they really end up exhausting themselves in an attempt to escape from the doldrums of everyday life. Most people do this in the form of trying to do *things* while on vacation. Things include getting up early to see sights, trying to get the best spot on the beach and attempting to shop in every store. This results in a vacation not being a vacation, because you rush to a place, fight to get a spot and ultimately are disappointed when the only shopping is Mary Lou's crappy antique store.
So for the short attention span people who didn't do well in school, let me break down the top five things you are supposed to do on vacation:
1. Do nothing and have no plan.
2. Know where the liquor store is and the best bar, then park your ass close to both.
3. Sight-see by accident; if you make it there great, if not, oh well, you probably didn't miss anything.
4. Sleep more. Well-rested people are happy.
5. Actually escape your problems. Don't think about anything, enjoy doing nothing, amuse yourself, maybe even read a book.
Then you will be happy, and I can be happy, not cranky.
This is somewhat of a rhetorical question, as I know why you people follow me. You follow me because the places I go are great, and you don't realize that the lack of your presence is what makes it great. This isn't entirely your fault, though. You have simply missed one of the important lessons in life: "how to vacation". Most people think they know how to vacation, they think they know how to relax, however they really end up exhausting themselves in an attempt to escape from the doldrums of everyday life. Most people do this in the form of trying to do *things* while on vacation. Things include getting up early to see sights, trying to get the best spot on the beach and attempting to shop in every store. This results in a vacation not being a vacation, because you rush to a place, fight to get a spot and ultimately are disappointed when the only shopping is Mary Lou's crappy antique store.
So for the short attention span people who didn't do well in school, let me break down the top five things you are supposed to do on vacation:
1. Do nothing and have no plan.
2. Know where the liquor store is and the best bar, then park your ass close to both.
3. Sight-see by accident; if you make it there great, if not, oh well, you probably didn't miss anything.
4. Sleep more. Well-rested people are happy.
5. Actually escape your problems. Don't think about anything, enjoy doing nothing, amuse yourself, maybe even read a book.
Then you will be happy, and I can be happy, not cranky.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Cranky Took a Tumble
Sometimes you have an experience that teaches you that you aren't as young as you used to be. Yesterday Cranky took a tumble off a motor scooter, and now I'm pretty banged up. Luckily I wasn't being too cantankerous, and actually wore a helmet. Normally, I would say that helmets are for "wussies," but this time around I actually needed one.
It was a rather amusing experience. After watching all the young kids ride the scooter I decided that I wanted to enjoy the wind in my face, and the smell of gasoline mixed with motor oil. So I downed a beer, strapped on my helmet, lit a smoke and jumped on. I immediately realized I was in trouble. I had somehow missed the whole part about how inexperienced riders should sit and not stand, and since I was standing things were about to get bad. The scooter raced away with me standing on it. It was gaining speed, then it began to wobble. This was bad, I assumed. After another twenty feet, and some more acceleration, I realized I was going to crash into a curb, but I didn't make it. The wobble got worse, and then the scooter chucked me to the ground. Bang. Since I didn't make it to the curb, I hit that with my head, after sliding on the pavement.
After 30 seconds I awakened, then passed out, then re-awakened. Now I'm at home licking my wounds, remembering I'm not 15, and having another beer.
Monday, July 9, 2007
House calls...with a toothbrush?
The long-awaited July issue of Reach Out: The Village Newsletter of Long Reach arrived today. I scanned the headlines as I dodged a neighbor at the community mailbox (he looked like he wanted to talk...)
Among various tidbits about water conservation and gas pipeline inspections, I found one truly interesting advertisement: "Home Veterinary Service - We Come to You!!!" As the owners of two cats, Cranky and I are delinquent in seeing to our pets' health care needs. Part of the reason for this is that the cats don't leave the house, so there is no *pressing* need for shots and flea treatments. The other reason is that they don't like to travel. And when I say they don't like to travel, I mean, they *don't* *like* *to* *travel*.
Mouse, the 20-pounder, wets herself the minute you close the gate on the cat carrier. Nothing is sadder than a large cat covered in her own pee and stuffed into a cat carrier. Loki, the skinny nicotine addict, puts up a horrible yowl and bites viciously. The sounds she emits are so chilling, it makes it difficult to keep your eyes on the road.
Lately, however, we've been considering a trip to the vet for teeth-cleaning. The cats are about seven years old, and their breath is kicking. We've tried the tartar-control treats, kitty herb gardens and other such remedies, to no avail. For all we know, they've got advanced-stage gingivitis...The only thing stopping us is the fact that the big one will need a bath and the little one might send one, or both, of us to the hospital.
So the concept of a vet that makes house calls...well, that's just fantastic! Maybe we'll even splurge on some booster shots and a flea treatment, or two.
Among various tidbits about water conservation and gas pipeline inspections, I found one truly interesting advertisement: "Home Veterinary Service - We Come to You!!!" As the owners of two cats, Cranky and I are delinquent in seeing to our pets' health care needs. Part of the reason for this is that the cats don't leave the house, so there is no *pressing* need for shots and flea treatments. The other reason is that they don't like to travel. And when I say they don't like to travel, I mean, they *don't* *like* *to* *travel*.
Mouse, the 20-pounder, wets herself the minute you close the gate on the cat carrier. Nothing is sadder than a large cat covered in her own pee and stuffed into a cat carrier. Loki, the skinny nicotine addict, puts up a horrible yowl and bites viciously. The sounds she emits are so chilling, it makes it difficult to keep your eyes on the road.
Lately, however, we've been considering a trip to the vet for teeth-cleaning. The cats are about seven years old, and their breath is kicking. We've tried the tartar-control treats, kitty herb gardens and other such remedies, to no avail. For all we know, they've got advanced-stage gingivitis...The only thing stopping us is the fact that the big one will need a bath and the little one might send one, or both, of us to the hospital.
So the concept of a vet that makes house calls...well, that's just fantastic! Maybe we'll even splurge on some booster shots and a flea treatment, or two.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Monkey balls!
Our group of friends has a Memorial Day tradition: camping at Assateague Island National Seashore. Each spring, as the allergies subside and the weather takes a turn for the pleasant, a large group of us heads out to the coast for a long weekend of camping, bugs, weenie roasts and tequila shots. We also go clamming.
Clamming is difficult, but rewarding, work. It's not for the faint of heart, as it involves burrowing your feet into slimy mud while waist-deep in brackish water. However, for every punishment in life there is an equal, and just, reward. This is never more true than in the art of clamming.
The heat of the day and the grossness of the mud are off-set by the coolness of the water, and the tranquil feeling you get from standing in the middle of the Sinepuxent Bay. And let's not forget the satisfaction of procuring fresh shellfish to share with the rest of the camp.
Didn't I just list two rewards, with only one punishment? Fear not, the universe is adept at self-correcting such imbalances.
So as we are shuffling through the mud, toes eagerly seeking the round, hard, rock-like texture of a buried clam, we discover that there is another life form lurking in the deep. Round and hard, but slimy with prickly little hairs, this *creature* is neither plant, nor animal. Most vexing is its ubiquity, and the high number of false-positives it generates.
Basically, you stumble into what feels like a clam, only to retrieve a hairy, quivering, unidentifiable ball. Is it a seed? A pod? An egg of some sort? Or is it a Monkey Ball?!
Clamming is difficult, but rewarding, work. It's not for the faint of heart, as it involves burrowing your feet into slimy mud while waist-deep in brackish water. However, for every punishment in life there is an equal, and just, reward. This is never more true than in the art of clamming.
The heat of the day and the grossness of the mud are off-set by the coolness of the water, and the tranquil feeling you get from standing in the middle of the Sinepuxent Bay. And let's not forget the satisfaction of procuring fresh shellfish to share with the rest of the camp.
Didn't I just list two rewards, with only one punishment? Fear not, the universe is adept at self-correcting such imbalances.
So as we are shuffling through the mud, toes eagerly seeking the round, hard, rock-like texture of a buried clam, we discover that there is another life form lurking in the deep. Round and hard, but slimy with prickly little hairs, this *creature* is neither plant, nor animal. Most vexing is its ubiquity, and the high number of false-positives it generates.
Basically, you stumble into what feels like a clam, only to retrieve a hairy, quivering, unidentifiable ball. Is it a seed? A pod? An egg of some sort? Or is it a Monkey Ball?!
Cranky's Seal of Approval
Not everything is bad in Columbia, just the places I go, the services I purchase, and the people with whom I inevitably interact. However, there are a few places that get Cranky's "Seal of Approval."
Merchants Tire on Berger Rd.
Pros:
1. Good people that know what they are doing.
2. They are fast.
3. They have good warranties
Cons:
1. Hidden on Berger Rd
2. Not a full-service mechanic. Oil, tires, brakes only. If someone knows a good full-service mechanic please post it.
Frisco Grill - 8865 Stanford Blvd
Pros:
1. Beers! This is the only place in Columbia that has local brews, and other hard-to-find beers. They don't serve Bud, Coors, or any other crappy American brands.
2. Tuesday Night Trivia. I have a big brain, do you? Works less with more beer; luckily everyone else playing is in the same boat.
Cons:
1. New wait staff. Beer service can be spotty at times, however, this place is better than most in Columbia.
Essential Family Chiropractic
Pros:
1. If you're broken like Cranky, this is the place to go. All the cool kids are doing it.
2. Friendly place.
Cons:
1. None
Barbeques Galore
Pros:
1. Really cool custom grills. So cool Cranky had to buy one.
2. Sauce from all over the country. If you haven't tried Gates Sauce from Kansas City, you're missing out.
Cons:
1. Weekend Manager guy is a little off.
If you think you know of a place that will pass the Cranky Test, send it in and I'll rate it.
Merchants Tire on Berger Rd.
Pros:
1. Good people that know what they are doing.
2. They are fast.
3. They have good warranties
Cons:
1. Hidden on Berger Rd
2. Not a full-service mechanic. Oil, tires, brakes only. If someone knows a good full-service mechanic please post it.
Frisco Grill - 8865 Stanford Blvd
Pros:
1. Beers! This is the only place in Columbia that has local brews, and other hard-to-find beers. They don't serve Bud, Coors, or any other crappy American brands.
2. Tuesday Night Trivia. I have a big brain, do you? Works less with more beer; luckily everyone else playing is in the same boat.
Cons:
1. New wait staff. Beer service can be spotty at times, however, this place is better than most in Columbia.
Essential Family Chiropractic
Pros:
1. If you're broken like Cranky, this is the place to go. All the cool kids are doing it.
2. Friendly place.
Cons:
1. None
Barbeques Galore
Pros:
1. Really cool custom grills. So cool Cranky had to buy one.
2. Sauce from all over the country. If you haven't tried Gates Sauce from Kansas City, you're missing out.
Cons:
1. Weekend Manager guy is a little off.
If you think you know of a place that will pass the Cranky Test, send it in and I'll rate it.
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