My Fridge Is a Weapon

Every once in awhile I actually read the packaging for the food items I'm ingesting. This morning my wife brought Kraft "Mexican Style Four Cheese Finely Shredded Cheddar" to my attention. Apparently, I should be very afraid of this product.

From the package:

"Keep bag away from small children in case small slider should come loose from bag. Immediately discard any loose sliders. Young children may choke on loose sliders. For more safety tips on feeding young children visit http://kraftfoods.com/kf/HealthyLiving/FoodSafety"

This statement so intrigued me that I had to immediately browse to this URL, in the hopes of finding awful stencil art of kids and babies choking on something called a "slider". I was very disappointed as this URL is 404 "Not Found", thus forcing me to browse the Kraft website looking for the correct URL. I didn't find the kid safety link, but I did find some other interesting tips that I thought I should share with everyone.

First up is one of my favorites:

Q8. What's the meaning of the "Best When Used By" statement that appears on some product packaging?

The answer to this question is a long definition of what each word in quotes means in the English language. Which promoted me to wonder out loud, that if you don't know what these words mean, you most likely can't read the answer. Followed shortly thereafter by the immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson, "English Mother @#$%$% do you speak it?"

Next up was this excellent tip:

"Children under 4 should always be supervised while being fed. At this age, children do not have the ability to judge how to eat safely, and may engage in running, jumping and other inappropriate behaviors while eating. Make sure your child is seated at the table, or at least sitting down, when eating."

I thought this was awesome cause I always wanted to run, jump, fly, spin, or some other activity while eating a sandwich or hot dog. Additionally, I wondered why this was limited to 4-year-olds, as the news says most of the adult population attempts to eat while driving, and then acts puzzled when their car ends up in a ditch.

Finally, Kraft has a massive article on "Lunch Box Safety." The most notable quotes from this article are the following:

1. Tote Oscar Mayer Lunchables Brand Lunch Combinations in an insulated lunch bag with an ice pack.
2. Keep hot foods, like soups, stews or chilies, hot. In the morning, bring the food to a boil and then immediately pour into a hot, sterile vacuum bottle. (Sterilize the vacuum bottle with boiling water.)

This may not sound like much on the outside, but as you can see Kraft actually wants your child to be mistaken for a terrorist. If you can remember back to your lunch box (it was most likely made of metal), and then think about adding an ice pack, and full vacuum-sealed bottle of hot liquid. This is now a weapon, that I'm sure the TSA would confiscate from your child if he tried and get on an airplane. Your kid's food might be safe, but the rest of the kids in class are probably not.

Next week I'll be reviewing other highly entertaining warning labels and FAQs from other household items. Including the "Rock Band Guitar is not a real Guitar", and "WiiMote strap must be worn at all times, to prevent WiiMote from going airborne."