Why do you people follow me?

For years now I've been searching for the perfect vacation spot. Somewhere far away from everyone, close to nothing, and featuring Mai-Tais. Each time I go somewhere new it always starts out great, no one is there, it is far away from everything, and the Mai Tais are excellent. Then, the next time I go, *you* people are there; taking up space and complaining about how far away it is, how there is nothing there and that the Mai Tais are too good. If I mistakenly return for a third time, someone has built a Wal-Mart and a shopping Mall, and the Mai Tais have been watered down to appeal to the tastes of the people who don't know what a good Mai Tais is. So why do you people follow me?

This is somewhat of a rhetorical question, as I know why you people follow me. You follow me because the places I go are great, and you don't realize that the lack of your presence is what makes it great. This isn't entirely your fault, though. You have simply missed one of the important lessons in life: "how to vacation". Most people think they know how to vacation, they think they know how to relax, however they really end up exhausting themselves in an attempt to escape from the doldrums of everyday life. Most people do this in the form of trying to do *things* while on vacation. Things include getting up early to see sights, trying to get the best spot on the beach and attempting to shop in every store. This results in a vacation not being a vacation, because you rush to a place, fight to get a spot and ultimately are disappointed when the only shopping is Mary Lou's crappy antique store.

So for the short attention span people who didn't do well in school, let me break down the top five things you are supposed to do on vacation:

1. Do nothing and have no plan.
2. Know where the liquor store is and the best bar, then park your ass close to both.
3. Sight-see by accident; if you make it there great, if not, oh well, you probably didn't miss anything.
4. Sleep more. Well-rested people are happy.
5. Actually escape your problems. Don't think about anything, enjoy doing nothing, amuse yourself, maybe even read a book.

Then you will be happy, and I can be happy, not cranky.