Cranky really enjoys being able to blog, work, surf the net, and goof off anywhere in the house. So when my D-Link Wireless AP's finally died I was very depressed and knew that I finally needed to upgrade the WiFi network. Since I'm a technical guy I did my homework and layed out several requirements for what I needed.
Requirements.
1. There is no hardwired internet upstairs so i needed something with an Ethernet jack that I could plug into my switches so the upstairs desktop computers still worked.
2. The hardwired ethernet in the house is downstairs and is all Gig-E so the BaseStation needed to be gig-e.
3. I really needed WDS so all the AP's and Base Stations could act as one big network.
4. I needed something that would work with my legacy 802.11b/g wireless cards in some of the laptops.
5. I wanted something that also supported 802.11n and MIMO.
6. It needed to be easy to work with and deploy
Based on those requirements I came to two conclusions. Either Apple Airports or linksys WRT300N's. Both seemed reasonable choices, and the Linksys boxes are even hackable which adds all kinds of other neat features.
In the end I went with the Apple setup, the main reason was each Airport Express had and extra feature that the linksys AP's don't have. They have an audio jack that allows you to stream music to them. This sold me, as I have several stereo systems in the house that I could finally stream all my mp3's too.
Nows the part where I bitch about Columbia. I went to go purchase my Airports, since CompuUseless was the closed store, I headed there. What I found was no Airports or Extremes, or even the Linksys devices I scoped out. I also found no staff. This store should be closed down, it never has anything I need. Radio Shack carries more stuff in it's store in the Mall. I want a Fry's, Fry's is way better than CompUseless and Best Buy.
Once I realized that CompUseless was useless I headed to the Apple Store at the mall. Thankfully Columbia just got one of these, it's been open for about 5 months. I really didn't want to drive down to Tysons to the real Apple store that's been there forever..... The Columbia Mall Apple store actually impressed me, it had lots of inventory and also had everything I needed. I also found out that sales associates are called Mac Geniuses, so I tested them with the following question.
Do the Apple Extreme support MIMO and WDS, also since it support 802.11g will performance degrade in mixed 802.11b/g/n environments?
This was met with very blank stares, I realized Geniuses meant sales associate. I returned the nice person to their proper customer greeting location and pointed them to someone with an easier question.
At least they had all my gear. So for the details on cost and setup, read on.
Cost:
1. Apple Base Station Extreme - ~180.00 US
2. 2 x Apple Express - ~100.00 US ( 200 total )
Total cost roughly $380.00
I also had another Express that I received as a gift from work. So all in all 3 apple expresses and one apple extreme.
The checkout lady thought I must be wiring a warehouse, with all this glories WiFi power.
Setup:
1. Install the CD that comes with the Extreme First. It contains a utility called Airport Utility, this is the only CD you actually need to install. Don't use the utilities from the Express CD's.
2. Plugin the Extreme and fire up the Airport Utility
3. You'll see the picture of the hardware on the scree, Click on Manual Setup.
4. Under "Wireless" tab set Wireless mode to "Participate in WDS network". This is the most important step.
5. Configure all the other tabs to your liking / network. Make sure the Extreme has a unique name for your network also write down it's Airport ID number.
6. Open all the Express boxes and write down their airport ids
7. On the WDS tab on the Extreme set mode to "Base Station" a little box will show up for all the Client IDS. Add all the Aiport Ids for the Expresses to this box.
8. Save everything and wait for it to reboot.
Setup for the Expresses
1. Plugin in one express at a time for this.
2. The express will show up in the Airport Utility also. Click on Manual Setup.
3. Under Wireless set Wireless mode to "participate in wds network"
4. Go to WDS tab, set it to "remote base", then type in the Airport ID for the extreme in the box.
5. Set the name for the network to something other than what the extreme is. Save and reboot it.
6. Connect to the Expresses network name with your wifi. Browse Internet, if everything is working it's talking to the basestation and the basestation is forwarding it to the internet.
7. Return to Airport Utility and bring the Express back up. Change the network name to the same name as the Extreme. Save reboot.
8. Rinse repeat for the other Expresses.
Once everything is up, i suggest turning on WPA security. The reason for this is that with 3 expresses and 1 base station you are now a wireless hot spot for your entire neighborhood. People two block away will get signal on your gear.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Top 10 Vacation/Travel Faux pas
A list of the top 10 Vacation Faux pas committed by others while I was on vacation.
1. Leave me alone - If you come across another person (or people) when walking in a deserted area that is really pretty, don't go in the same direction they are going. Go explore somewhere else.
2. When in Rome - Don't complain to the locals about how backwards they are. These people live there and you don't. They don't want you there and they don't care what you have to say.
3. You are not a local - Don't explain to other people how the locals do stuff after you've been there for two days. You're wrong and now you've spread your stupidity to others who might follow your example.
4. The local food is different - If you're in India don't order anything that doesn't sound Indian. Suck it up and try the Vindaloo. Also remember that if you're in Europe and you attempt to order a Coors Lite someone will stab you for drinking janky beer.
5. Boat Parking - Learn how to park your boat in an anchorage. You put out 5 times the depth in anchor rope (3, if you have chain). This is a simple math problem: depth is twenty feet, you put out 5 x 20 = 100 feet of rope. This also means your boat can rotate in a ~160 foot radius from center. Don't park closer than 160 feet from me, you douche bag.
6. Your pet isn't cute - Just because it's a beach doesn't mean it's a dog park. If you let your misbehaved dog off the leash and it gets near me, pees on me, or barks at me I might eat it later. (May 19th is Eat Your Pet Day, by the way)
7. Leash your children - If you are in some place that isn't made for children like a restaurant, museum, beach bar, grocery store, busy intersection, etc, leash your kids and keep them quiet. It's your fault you had them, don't bother me with your mistake.
8. Don't be a douche in airport security - The big sign says take off your shoes, put your shit in the bucket, take out your laptop, and put all your liquids/make-up/sunscreen in ziplock bags, get out your boarding pass, and show ID. It's in big letters and 3rd grade English, just do it, and do it fast, you're holding up the line. Also if the TSA guy with a no high school diploma has to give you detailed instructions you might want to reassess your own importance.
9. Boarding Groups aren't complex - If you're on a Southwest flight they have a concept called boarding groups. It's not hard, your ticket has A, B or C on it. Get in that line and stay there. A boards first, then B, then C, just in case you missed it.
10. Don't stand in the middle - Standing in the middle of a moving walk way or escalator is dangerous. In most places people say excuse me and politely pass you, in NY or London they will mow you down with no remorse, and then blame you for your own stupidity.
1. Leave me alone - If you come across another person (or people) when walking in a deserted area that is really pretty, don't go in the same direction they are going. Go explore somewhere else.
2. When in Rome - Don't complain to the locals about how backwards they are. These people live there and you don't. They don't want you there and they don't care what you have to say.
3. You are not a local - Don't explain to other people how the locals do stuff after you've been there for two days. You're wrong and now you've spread your stupidity to others who might follow your example.
4. The local food is different - If you're in India don't order anything that doesn't sound Indian. Suck it up and try the Vindaloo. Also remember that if you're in Europe and you attempt to order a Coors Lite someone will stab you for drinking janky beer.
5. Boat Parking - Learn how to park your boat in an anchorage. You put out 5 times the depth in anchor rope (3, if you have chain). This is a simple math problem: depth is twenty feet, you put out 5 x 20 = 100 feet of rope. This also means your boat can rotate in a ~160 foot radius from center. Don't park closer than 160 feet from me, you douche bag.
6. Your pet isn't cute - Just because it's a beach doesn't mean it's a dog park. If you let your misbehaved dog off the leash and it gets near me, pees on me, or barks at me I might eat it later. (May 19th is Eat Your Pet Day, by the way)
7. Leash your children - If you are in some place that isn't made for children like a restaurant, museum, beach bar, grocery store, busy intersection, etc, leash your kids and keep them quiet. It's your fault you had them, don't bother me with your mistake.
8. Don't be a douche in airport security - The big sign says take off your shoes, put your shit in the bucket, take out your laptop, and put all your liquids/make-up/sunscreen in ziplock bags, get out your boarding pass, and show ID. It's in big letters and 3rd grade English, just do it, and do it fast, you're holding up the line. Also if the TSA guy with a no high school diploma has to give you detailed instructions you might want to reassess your own importance.
9. Boarding Groups aren't complex - If you're on a Southwest flight they have a concept called boarding groups. It's not hard, your ticket has A, B or C on it. Get in that line and stay there. A boards first, then B, then C, just in case you missed it.
10. Don't stand in the middle - Standing in the middle of a moving walk way or escalator is dangerous. In most places people say excuse me and politely pass you, in NY or London they will mow you down with no remorse, and then blame you for your own stupidity.
Why do you people follow me?
For years now I've been searching for the perfect vacation spot. Somewhere far away from everyone, close to nothing, and featuring Mai-Tais. Each time I go somewhere new it always starts out great, no one is there, it is far away from everything, and the Mai Tais are excellent. Then, the next time I go, *you* people are there; taking up space and complaining about how far away it is, how there is nothing there and that the Mai Tais are too good. If I mistakenly return for a third time, someone has built a Wal-Mart and a shopping Mall, and the Mai Tais have been watered down to appeal to the tastes of the people who don't know what a good Mai Tais is. So why do you people follow me?
This is somewhat of a rhetorical question, as I know why you people follow me. You follow me because the places I go are great, and you don't realize that the lack of your presence is what makes it great. This isn't entirely your fault, though. You have simply missed one of the important lessons in life: "how to vacation". Most people think they know how to vacation, they think they know how to relax, however they really end up exhausting themselves in an attempt to escape from the doldrums of everyday life. Most people do this in the form of trying to do *things* while on vacation. Things include getting up early to see sights, trying to get the best spot on the beach and attempting to shop in every store. This results in a vacation not being a vacation, because you rush to a place, fight to get a spot and ultimately are disappointed when the only shopping is Mary Lou's crappy antique store.
So for the short attention span people who didn't do well in school, let me break down the top five things you are supposed to do on vacation:
1. Do nothing and have no plan.
2. Know where the liquor store is and the best bar, then park your ass close to both.
3. Sight-see by accident; if you make it there great, if not, oh well, you probably didn't miss anything.
4. Sleep more. Well-rested people are happy.
5. Actually escape your problems. Don't think about anything, enjoy doing nothing, amuse yourself, maybe even read a book.
Then you will be happy, and I can be happy, not cranky.
This is somewhat of a rhetorical question, as I know why you people follow me. You follow me because the places I go are great, and you don't realize that the lack of your presence is what makes it great. This isn't entirely your fault, though. You have simply missed one of the important lessons in life: "how to vacation". Most people think they know how to vacation, they think they know how to relax, however they really end up exhausting themselves in an attempt to escape from the doldrums of everyday life. Most people do this in the form of trying to do *things* while on vacation. Things include getting up early to see sights, trying to get the best spot on the beach and attempting to shop in every store. This results in a vacation not being a vacation, because you rush to a place, fight to get a spot and ultimately are disappointed when the only shopping is Mary Lou's crappy antique store.
So for the short attention span people who didn't do well in school, let me break down the top five things you are supposed to do on vacation:
1. Do nothing and have no plan.
2. Know where the liquor store is and the best bar, then park your ass close to both.
3. Sight-see by accident; if you make it there great, if not, oh well, you probably didn't miss anything.
4. Sleep more. Well-rested people are happy.
5. Actually escape your problems. Don't think about anything, enjoy doing nothing, amuse yourself, maybe even read a book.
Then you will be happy, and I can be happy, not cranky.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Cranky Took a Tumble
Sometimes you have an experience that teaches you that you aren't as young as you used to be. Yesterday Cranky took a tumble off a motor scooter, and now I'm pretty banged up. Luckily I wasn't being too cantankerous, and actually wore a helmet. Normally, I would say that helmets are for "wussies," but this time around I actually needed one.
It was a rather amusing experience. After watching all the young kids ride the scooter I decided that I wanted to enjoy the wind in my face, and the smell of gasoline mixed with motor oil. So I downed a beer, strapped on my helmet, lit a smoke and jumped on. I immediately realized I was in trouble. I had somehow missed the whole part about how inexperienced riders should sit and not stand, and since I was standing things were about to get bad. The scooter raced away with me standing on it. It was gaining speed, then it began to wobble. This was bad, I assumed. After another twenty feet, and some more acceleration, I realized I was going to crash into a curb, but I didn't make it. The wobble got worse, and then the scooter chucked me to the ground. Bang. Since I didn't make it to the curb, I hit that with my head, after sliding on the pavement.
After 30 seconds I awakened, then passed out, then re-awakened. Now I'm at home licking my wounds, remembering I'm not 15, and having another beer.
Monday, July 9, 2007
House calls...with a toothbrush?
The long-awaited July issue of Reach Out: The Village Newsletter of Long Reach arrived today. I scanned the headlines as I dodged a neighbor at the community mailbox (he looked like he wanted to talk...)
Among various tidbits about water conservation and gas pipeline inspections, I found one truly interesting advertisement: "Home Veterinary Service - We Come to You!!!" As the owners of two cats, Cranky and I are delinquent in seeing to our pets' health care needs. Part of the reason for this is that the cats don't leave the house, so there is no *pressing* need for shots and flea treatments. The other reason is that they don't like to travel. And when I say they don't like to travel, I mean, they *don't* *like* *to* *travel*.
Mouse, the 20-pounder, wets herself the minute you close the gate on the cat carrier. Nothing is sadder than a large cat covered in her own pee and stuffed into a cat carrier. Loki, the skinny nicotine addict, puts up a horrible yowl and bites viciously. The sounds she emits are so chilling, it makes it difficult to keep your eyes on the road.
Lately, however, we've been considering a trip to the vet for teeth-cleaning. The cats are about seven years old, and their breath is kicking. We've tried the tartar-control treats, kitty herb gardens and other such remedies, to no avail. For all we know, they've got advanced-stage gingivitis...The only thing stopping us is the fact that the big one will need a bath and the little one might send one, or both, of us to the hospital.
So the concept of a vet that makes house calls...well, that's just fantastic! Maybe we'll even splurge on some booster shots and a flea treatment, or two.
Among various tidbits about water conservation and gas pipeline inspections, I found one truly interesting advertisement: "Home Veterinary Service - We Come to You!!!" As the owners of two cats, Cranky and I are delinquent in seeing to our pets' health care needs. Part of the reason for this is that the cats don't leave the house, so there is no *pressing* need for shots and flea treatments. The other reason is that they don't like to travel. And when I say they don't like to travel, I mean, they *don't* *like* *to* *travel*.
Mouse, the 20-pounder, wets herself the minute you close the gate on the cat carrier. Nothing is sadder than a large cat covered in her own pee and stuffed into a cat carrier. Loki, the skinny nicotine addict, puts up a horrible yowl and bites viciously. The sounds she emits are so chilling, it makes it difficult to keep your eyes on the road.
Lately, however, we've been considering a trip to the vet for teeth-cleaning. The cats are about seven years old, and their breath is kicking. We've tried the tartar-control treats, kitty herb gardens and other such remedies, to no avail. For all we know, they've got advanced-stage gingivitis...The only thing stopping us is the fact that the big one will need a bath and the little one might send one, or both, of us to the hospital.
So the concept of a vet that makes house calls...well, that's just fantastic! Maybe we'll even splurge on some booster shots and a flea treatment, or two.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Monkey balls!
Our group of friends has a Memorial Day tradition: camping at Assateague Island National Seashore. Each spring, as the allergies subside and the weather takes a turn for the pleasant, a large group of us heads out to the coast for a long weekend of camping, bugs, weenie roasts and tequila shots. We also go clamming.
Clamming is difficult, but rewarding, work. It's not for the faint of heart, as it involves burrowing your feet into slimy mud while waist-deep in brackish water. However, for every punishment in life there is an equal, and just, reward. This is never more true than in the art of clamming.
The heat of the day and the grossness of the mud are off-set by the coolness of the water, and the tranquil feeling you get from standing in the middle of the Sinepuxent Bay. And let's not forget the satisfaction of procuring fresh shellfish to share with the rest of the camp.
Didn't I just list two rewards, with only one punishment? Fear not, the universe is adept at self-correcting such imbalances.
So as we are shuffling through the mud, toes eagerly seeking the round, hard, rock-like texture of a buried clam, we discover that there is another life form lurking in the deep. Round and hard, but slimy with prickly little hairs, this *creature* is neither plant, nor animal. Most vexing is its ubiquity, and the high number of false-positives it generates.
Basically, you stumble into what feels like a clam, only to retrieve a hairy, quivering, unidentifiable ball. Is it a seed? A pod? An egg of some sort? Or is it a Monkey Ball?!
Clamming is difficult, but rewarding, work. It's not for the faint of heart, as it involves burrowing your feet into slimy mud while waist-deep in brackish water. However, for every punishment in life there is an equal, and just, reward. This is never more true than in the art of clamming.
The heat of the day and the grossness of the mud are off-set by the coolness of the water, and the tranquil feeling you get from standing in the middle of the Sinepuxent Bay. And let's not forget the satisfaction of procuring fresh shellfish to share with the rest of the camp.
Didn't I just list two rewards, with only one punishment? Fear not, the universe is adept at self-correcting such imbalances.
So as we are shuffling through the mud, toes eagerly seeking the round, hard, rock-like texture of a buried clam, we discover that there is another life form lurking in the deep. Round and hard, but slimy with prickly little hairs, this *creature* is neither plant, nor animal. Most vexing is its ubiquity, and the high number of false-positives it generates.
Basically, you stumble into what feels like a clam, only to retrieve a hairy, quivering, unidentifiable ball. Is it a seed? A pod? An egg of some sort? Or is it a Monkey Ball?!
Cranky's Seal of Approval
Not everything is bad in Columbia, just the places I go, the services I purchase, and the people with whom I inevitably interact. However, there are a few places that get Cranky's "Seal of Approval."
Merchants Tire on Berger Rd.
Pros:
1. Good people that know what they are doing.
2. They are fast.
3. They have good warranties
Cons:
1. Hidden on Berger Rd
2. Not a full-service mechanic. Oil, tires, brakes only. If someone knows a good full-service mechanic please post it.
Frisco Grill - 8865 Stanford Blvd
Pros:
1. Beers! This is the only place in Columbia that has local brews, and other hard-to-find beers. They don't serve Bud, Coors, or any other crappy American brands.
2. Tuesday Night Trivia. I have a big brain, do you? Works less with more beer; luckily everyone else playing is in the same boat.
Cons:
1. New wait staff. Beer service can be spotty at times, however, this place is better than most in Columbia.
Essential Family Chiropractic
Pros:
1. If you're broken like Cranky, this is the place to go. All the cool kids are doing it.
2. Friendly place.
Cons:
1. None
Barbeques Galore
Pros:
1. Really cool custom grills. So cool Cranky had to buy one.
2. Sauce from all over the country. If you haven't tried Gates Sauce from Kansas City, you're missing out.
Cons:
1. Weekend Manager guy is a little off.
If you think you know of a place that will pass the Cranky Test, send it in and I'll rate it.
Merchants Tire on Berger Rd.
Pros:
1. Good people that know what they are doing.
2. They are fast.
3. They have good warranties
Cons:
1. Hidden on Berger Rd
2. Not a full-service mechanic. Oil, tires, brakes only. If someone knows a good full-service mechanic please post it.
Frisco Grill - 8865 Stanford Blvd
Pros:
1. Beers! This is the only place in Columbia that has local brews, and other hard-to-find beers. They don't serve Bud, Coors, or any other crappy American brands.
2. Tuesday Night Trivia. I have a big brain, do you? Works less with more beer; luckily everyone else playing is in the same boat.
Cons:
1. New wait staff. Beer service can be spotty at times, however, this place is better than most in Columbia.
Essential Family Chiropractic
Pros:
1. If you're broken like Cranky, this is the place to go. All the cool kids are doing it.
2. Friendly place.
Cons:
1. None
Barbeques Galore
Pros:
1. Really cool custom grills. So cool Cranky had to buy one.
2. Sauce from all over the country. If you haven't tried Gates Sauce from Kansas City, you're missing out.
Cons:
1. Weekend Manager guy is a little off.
If you think you know of a place that will pass the Cranky Test, send it in and I'll rate it.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Krazy Kinkos
If you've read the blog on my MySpace profile, or actually spoken to me lately, you already know about the wedding *fiasco*. Long story short, I came back from a very long, very tiring business trip to find a cute little note in my in-box titled "Clipper City Bad News." Clipper City is the name of the boat I chartered for my wedding...which is coming up fast.
Nobody wants to get bad news from their wedding venue. Most wedding news is bad, anyway. It usually comes in the form of "I don't like the tuxedo you picked," or "I realize you don't even know Aunt Harriet, but it's really important that she come, and she needs to bring an entourage, can you make room for them on the guest list?"
So I open the cryptic *bad news* message, only to find that it was, indeed, bad.
"At the end of last week I was told that the Coast Guard had terminated Clipper City Tall Ship's ability to take out passengers indefinitely, effective June 1st." This from the sales director, who also indicated that he had lost his job along with our deposits.
A quick Google search for news turned up gems like "Clipper City owner abandons fight to stay afloat" and "Tall Ship Biz Going Down."
After a disappointing attempt to relocate our event to another local charter company, I got the bright idea to look into the USS Constellation museum. Built in 1864, Constellation is the tall ship in Baltimore. A bad-ass enforcer of the ban on slave trading, piracy and the apparent crime of being either French or Spanish in the New World, the Constellation carried out missions in far-flung locations like the Mediterranean and the Congo River. Perfect! I'll take it! The fact that it was available on our date/time at an affordable rate sealed the deal.
Now what to do with those pesky invitations. Already printed with the other vessel's name, and desperately needing to go out, the invitations were the most vexing component of "Project Wedding Fix."
Enter Kinko's...
My first instinct was to check with a reputable stationer to learn the proper procedure for correcting invitations. The nice folks at Papyrus informed me that it would take two weeks, and cost close to $100 to print correction cards that would neither match my paper stock nor bear the same fonts used on my invites. They advised me to try Kinkos.
Should be simple, right? Can't be harder than buying donuts, and we've been through that...
Not being a desktop publishing expert, I simply created a graphic in Photoshop announcing the change in location and listing the new address. I grabbed the font and colors from the proof of the original invitations, and figured I was ready for Kinkos. Incorrect.
I knew I was in trouble as soon as I walked into the store. A disheveled employee greeted me at the counter with a "What'chu need?"
Me: "Well, I've got this file that I need to print, but I'm not sure what my options are in terms of paper size, weight and color." [I produced my memory stick]
Kinkos dude takes the memory stick, without a word, and hands it to his co-worker who is sitting at a computer some distance behind the counter. The co-worker doesn't even look at me. He grunts at Kinkos dude, who then shuffles back to the counter. Note that my question about paper options has not been answered.
Kinkos dude: "How many do you want to print?"
Me: "Well, it's not laid out for print yet. There's just the one image, and it needs to be about this big." [I pulled out my wedding invitation and showed him approximately how large I wanted the correction card be in relation to the invitation.] "I need to know the paper size options, so that I can figure out how many we can print per page."
Kinkos dude: "Well, if you just have the one image it's going to print one on each page."
Me: [obviously somebody here is missing the point...is it me?] "Umm...well, I don't want to waste a bunch of paper, I would like to figure out how to optimize the process so that the image is duplicated as many times as possible on each sheet."
Kinkos dude: "I can't alter your image, if I do it won't look right."
Me: "Well, how do you do business cards? Do you have a template, or something? Kind of like what you use when you print labels? Then we could just replicate the image across the template."
Eyes flicker with understanding. This is good! Perhaps I've broken through the apathy.
Kinkos dude shuffles back to his co-worker and mutters something to him. Then he pulls a piece of paper off the printer and brings it back to the counter.
Kinkos dude: "Here is what it will look like if we print it four-up."
This is nowhere near what I wanted. The text is blown-up to fill a space the same size as my wedding invitation. What happened to business cards?
Me: "That's too big. Can we make it smaller, and just get as many as possible on the page?"
Kinkos dude: "That's the size of your image. We can't re-size it, because it's a read-only document. I can try to print it like a business card, though."
Ok. Now, I'm getting frustrated, because: a) I know for a fact that my file is not a read-only document and; b) the print-out is approximately 5 x 7, I sized the image in Photoshop at 3 x 1 1/2. Either I really am clueless in the art of print production, or the Kinkos staff is incompetent. Hmm. Probably a little of both, with an emphasis on the latter.
Me: "Look, do you have Photoshop on any of these computers here? I could just create an 8 1/2 x 11 document and duplicate the image a bunch of times until it fills the page."
Kinkos dude: [ignores my question about Photoshop] "Yeah, if you do that we can print it, no problem."
Me: "Well, do you have Photoshop here?"
Kinkos dude goes back and confers with his co-worker.
Enter the *Manager*...
Manager: "What do you need done?"
Me: "I'm trying to print something, but I want to make sure it's sized correctly on the page and that I'm using as much of the paper as possible. What kind of paper do you have, by the way?"
Manager: "Ok. Well, they're going to take care of the printing for you, [produces a sample book, hallelujah!] and here's the paper selection. [eyes my invitations] You're going to want to use card stock with those."
Me: [definitely not convinced that *they* are going to handle anything for me, or anyone else] "Ok, bright white card stock."
Manager: [directed at Kinkos dude and his co-worker, who are huddled around the workstation] "Bright white card stock!"
At this point, I feel that it's totally out of my control, so I simply go over to a table and sit down to await whatever results are headed my way. After about 2 minutes Kinkos dude comes back over with another print-out. This one is much better. The size is correct and there are six on the page now, instead of four. However the ink color doesn't quite match, and anybody can see that the page can handle more than six.
Me: [deciding not to tackle the ink color issue] "Well, the size is much better, but can't we fit more than six per page?"
Kinkos dude: [looking like he wants to strangle me] "I can't put more than six on the page without re-sizing the image, and then it won't look the same."
At this point, I really don't understand why adding more items to the page requires re-sizing, but I'm feeling defeat setting in. Not to mention, he's already re-sized it to bring it back from the 5 x 7 into something the fits on a business card. However, if I keep insisting on a logical explanation for things, nothing will get done, so f*ck it!
Me: "Ok, fine, but I'm going to need you to cut them up, too."
Kinkos dude: [really wants to strangle me at this point] "Awwlright." [in a tone that implies I'm only asking for more trouble and/or disappointment]
He goes back behind the counter and spends the next five minutes manually hacking away at the sheet of paper. It takes about 18 cuts before he has something to show me. Meanwhile, I'm wondering how they deal with bulk orders...can't this process be automated?
Kinkos dude hands me the print-out, now cut into six unevenly-sized pieces.
Me: "Um, these are totally uneven. I mean I guess it doesn't matter, because people won't be comparing their invitations (I hope), but can't you set the cutter to specific dimensions?"
Kinkos dude: "Yeah, it's uneven because I did it by hand. But yeah, nobody's going to notice that they aren't the same size since they'll all be going to different people."
Me: "Ok, whatever." [this keeps getting more and more complicated, and I have no idea why.]
Kinkos dude: "How many do you need?"
Me: "125. At six per page that is...let's see, how many pages?"
Kinkos dude: "Uhh. 38."
Me: "No, it's six into 125. That equals 21 (actually 20.83, but we'll round up since it's sheets of paper and they don't come in fractional sizes)."
Kinkos dude shrugs and wanders back to the printer area. When he comes back he's got several stacks of uniformly-sized business cards bearing my message. I don't bother counting them, I simply pay as quickly as possible so that we can leave.
But before I say goodbye to Kinkos (forever, I hope) I figured I might as well use the restroom. At least that seemed convenient and straightforward. Again, not the case. After washing my hands I turned to the paper towel dispenser, and pumped the lever a few times. Nothing came out. That's when I noticed the sign on the dispenser.
"Hand driers are more efficient and better for the environment. They prevent trees from being used as paper towels."
Oh. So that's why the towel dispenser is empty. Too lazy to remove it, they simply stopped filling it, and pasted a stupid sign about how it's better for the environment to use electricity than a renewable resource, like trees. If Kinkos was really concerned about the environment, they should encourage their staff to figure out how to fit more than six business card-sized graphics onto an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of card stock!
Nobody wants to get bad news from their wedding venue. Most wedding news is bad, anyway. It usually comes in the form of "I don't like the tuxedo you picked," or "I realize you don't even know Aunt Harriet, but it's really important that she come, and she needs to bring an entourage, can you make room for them on the guest list?"
So I open the cryptic *bad news* message, only to find that it was, indeed, bad.
"At the end of last week I was told that the Coast Guard had terminated Clipper City Tall Ship's ability to take out passengers indefinitely, effective June 1st." This from the sales director, who also indicated that he had lost his job along with our deposits.
A quick Google search for news turned up gems like "Clipper City owner abandons fight to stay afloat" and "Tall Ship Biz Going Down."
After a disappointing attempt to relocate our event to another local charter company, I got the bright idea to look into the USS Constellation museum. Built in 1864, Constellation is the tall ship in Baltimore. A bad-ass enforcer of the ban on slave trading, piracy and the apparent crime of being either French or Spanish in the New World, the Constellation carried out missions in far-flung locations like the Mediterranean and the Congo River. Perfect! I'll take it! The fact that it was available on our date/time at an affordable rate sealed the deal.
Now what to do with those pesky invitations. Already printed with the other vessel's name, and desperately needing to go out, the invitations were the most vexing component of "Project Wedding Fix."
Enter Kinko's...
My first instinct was to check with a reputable stationer to learn the proper procedure for correcting invitations. The nice folks at Papyrus informed me that it would take two weeks, and cost close to $100 to print correction cards that would neither match my paper stock nor bear the same fonts used on my invites. They advised me to try Kinkos.
Should be simple, right? Can't be harder than buying donuts, and we've been through that...
Not being a desktop publishing expert, I simply created a graphic in Photoshop announcing the change in location and listing the new address. I grabbed the font and colors from the proof of the original invitations, and figured I was ready for Kinkos. Incorrect.
I knew I was in trouble as soon as I walked into the store. A disheveled employee greeted me at the counter with a "What'chu need?"
Me: "Well, I've got this file that I need to print, but I'm not sure what my options are in terms of paper size, weight and color." [I produced my memory stick]
Kinkos dude takes the memory stick, without a word, and hands it to his co-worker who is sitting at a computer some distance behind the counter. The co-worker doesn't even look at me. He grunts at Kinkos dude, who then shuffles back to the counter. Note that my question about paper options has not been answered.
Kinkos dude: "How many do you want to print?"
Me: "Well, it's not laid out for print yet. There's just the one image, and it needs to be about this big." [I pulled out my wedding invitation and showed him approximately how large I wanted the correction card be in relation to the invitation.] "I need to know the paper size options, so that I can figure out how many we can print per page."
Kinkos dude: "Well, if you just have the one image it's going to print one on each page."
Me: [obviously somebody here is missing the point...is it me?] "Umm...well, I don't want to waste a bunch of paper, I would like to figure out how to optimize the process so that the image is duplicated as many times as possible on each sheet."
Kinkos dude: "I can't alter your image, if I do it won't look right."
Me: "Well, how do you do business cards? Do you have a template, or something? Kind of like what you use when you print labels? Then we could just replicate the image across the template."
Eyes flicker with understanding. This is good! Perhaps I've broken through the apathy.
Kinkos dude shuffles back to his co-worker and mutters something to him. Then he pulls a piece of paper off the printer and brings it back to the counter.
Kinkos dude: "Here is what it will look like if we print it four-up."
This is nowhere near what I wanted. The text is blown-up to fill a space the same size as my wedding invitation. What happened to business cards?
Me: "That's too big. Can we make it smaller, and just get as many as possible on the page?"
Kinkos dude: "That's the size of your image. We can't re-size it, because it's a read-only document. I can try to print it like a business card, though."
Ok. Now, I'm getting frustrated, because: a) I know for a fact that my file is not a read-only document and; b) the print-out is approximately 5 x 7, I sized the image in Photoshop at 3 x 1 1/2. Either I really am clueless in the art of print production, or the Kinkos staff is incompetent. Hmm. Probably a little of both, with an emphasis on the latter.
Me: "Look, do you have Photoshop on any of these computers here? I could just create an 8 1/2 x 11 document and duplicate the image a bunch of times until it fills the page."
Kinkos dude: [ignores my question about Photoshop] "Yeah, if you do that we can print it, no problem."
Me: "Well, do you have Photoshop here?"
Kinkos dude goes back and confers with his co-worker.
Enter the *Manager*...
Manager: "What do you need done?"
Me: "I'm trying to print something, but I want to make sure it's sized correctly on the page and that I'm using as much of the paper as possible. What kind of paper do you have, by the way?"
Manager: "Ok. Well, they're going to take care of the printing for you, [produces a sample book, hallelujah!] and here's the paper selection. [eyes my invitations] You're going to want to use card stock with those."
Me: [definitely not convinced that *they* are going to handle anything for me, or anyone else] "Ok, bright white card stock."
Manager: [directed at Kinkos dude and his co-worker, who are huddled around the workstation] "Bright white card stock!"
At this point, I feel that it's totally out of my control, so I simply go over to a table and sit down to await whatever results are headed my way. After about 2 minutes Kinkos dude comes back over with another print-out. This one is much better. The size is correct and there are six on the page now, instead of four. However the ink color doesn't quite match, and anybody can see that the page can handle more than six.
Me: [deciding not to tackle the ink color issue] "Well, the size is much better, but can't we fit more than six per page?"
Kinkos dude: [looking like he wants to strangle me] "I can't put more than six on the page without re-sizing the image, and then it won't look the same."
At this point, I really don't understand why adding more items to the page requires re-sizing, but I'm feeling defeat setting in. Not to mention, he's already re-sized it to bring it back from the 5 x 7 into something the fits on a business card. However, if I keep insisting on a logical explanation for things, nothing will get done, so f*ck it!
Me: "Ok, fine, but I'm going to need you to cut them up, too."
Kinkos dude: [really wants to strangle me at this point] "Awwlright." [in a tone that implies I'm only asking for more trouble and/or disappointment]
He goes back behind the counter and spends the next five minutes manually hacking away at the sheet of paper. It takes about 18 cuts before he has something to show me. Meanwhile, I'm wondering how they deal with bulk orders...can't this process be automated?
Kinkos dude hands me the print-out, now cut into six unevenly-sized pieces.
Me: "Um, these are totally uneven. I mean I guess it doesn't matter, because people won't be comparing their invitations (I hope), but can't you set the cutter to specific dimensions?"
Kinkos dude: "Yeah, it's uneven because I did it by hand. But yeah, nobody's going to notice that they aren't the same size since they'll all be going to different people."
Me: "Ok, whatever." [this keeps getting more and more complicated, and I have no idea why.]
Kinkos dude: "How many do you need?"
Me: "125. At six per page that is...let's see, how many pages?"
Kinkos dude: "Uhh. 38."
Me: "No, it's six into 125. That equals 21 (actually 20.83, but we'll round up since it's sheets of paper and they don't come in fractional sizes)."
Kinkos dude shrugs and wanders back to the printer area. When he comes back he's got several stacks of uniformly-sized business cards bearing my message. I don't bother counting them, I simply pay as quickly as possible so that we can leave.
But before I say goodbye to Kinkos (forever, I hope) I figured I might as well use the restroom. At least that seemed convenient and straightforward. Again, not the case. After washing my hands I turned to the paper towel dispenser, and pumped the lever a few times. Nothing came out. That's when I noticed the sign on the dispenser.
"Hand driers are more efficient and better for the environment. They prevent trees from being used as paper towels."
Oh. So that's why the towel dispenser is empty. Too lazy to remove it, they simply stopped filling it, and pasted a stupid sign about how it's better for the environment to use electricity than a renewable resource, like trees. If Kinkos was really concerned about the environment, they should encourage their staff to figure out how to fit more than six business card-sized graphics onto an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of card stock!
Little Black Ants
I'm locked in a ongoing battle with the little black ants. The initial invasion was definitely a surprise attack in the middle of the night. I woke in the morning to find my kitchen was now an occupied territory, and my cats had been compromised. Obviously the ants had made a treaty with the cats, as the cats were just watching them take their food. Attempts at negotiations with the cats stalled immediately, as their terms involved complete access to the TemperPedic bed at all times. Failure to negotiate with the cats forced me to turn to conventional warfare.
I gathered my ant baits and Ortho outdoor home defense and began a campaign of chemical warfare on the ants homelands. I systematically attacked all their strongholds, training centers, and weapon caches. Additionally I established complete air superiority. After several days of ground and air bombardment I deployed outdoor land mines (baits) and napalmed the rest of the yard (hose with poison spray). Unfortunately there where civilian casualties (a plant or two), but nothing that wasn't calculated. At this point I began to contemplate declaring victory.
The ants, however, regrouped and switched to a guerrilla warfare strategy. This involved suprise attacks on the cat food, a night time rush on the pantry, and daring raids into the living room. My large (20 pound cat) was also compromised and needed a bath after I found several live ants on her.
I called in mercenaries. They, too, laid waste to the land, sea and air. For several days afterwards the house was completely free of the ants. I thought it was time to declare total victory. I was dead wrong.
The ants struck in force on Thursday June 28th in an attempt to reoccupy the kitchen. It was a major battle, the vacuum (the ultimate ant killer) was deployed slightly before my position was overrun. The ants had shown me they were still a major threat.
I needed new tactics and new weapons... Over the next two days I perfected a concoction of Simple Green, Ortho Home Defense Max, and sugar. It didn't kill on contact but after 2 minutes it caused them to explode. It was devastating and disgusting. After extensive satellite surveillance (I'm tall), I deployed my new weapons in strategic locations.
Stay tuned for the outcome.....
I gathered my ant baits and Ortho outdoor home defense and began a campaign of chemical warfare on the ants homelands. I systematically attacked all their strongholds, training centers, and weapon caches. Additionally I established complete air superiority. After several days of ground and air bombardment I deployed outdoor land mines (baits) and napalmed the rest of the yard (hose with poison spray). Unfortunately there where civilian casualties (a plant or two), but nothing that wasn't calculated. At this point I began to contemplate declaring victory.
The ants, however, regrouped and switched to a guerrilla warfare strategy. This involved suprise attacks on the cat food, a night time rush on the pantry, and daring raids into the living room. My large (20 pound cat) was also compromised and needed a bath after I found several live ants on her.
I called in mercenaries. They, too, laid waste to the land, sea and air. For several days afterwards the house was completely free of the ants. I thought it was time to declare total victory. I was dead wrong.
The ants struck in force on Thursday June 28th in an attempt to reoccupy the kitchen. It was a major battle, the vacuum (the ultimate ant killer) was deployed slightly before my position was overrun. The ants had shown me they were still a major threat.
I needed new tactics and new weapons... Over the next two days I perfected a concoction of Simple Green, Ortho Home Defense Max, and sugar. It didn't kill on contact but after 2 minutes it caused them to explode. It was devastating and disgusting. After extensive satellite surveillance (I'm tall), I deployed my new weapons in strategic locations.
Stay tuned for the outcome.....
Thursday, June 28, 2007
The DC Handshake
I had the pleasure of learning the DC Handshake the other day. For those people not familiar with the DC handshake I'll try and explain it, so that if you ever run into it you know how to do it properly.
The handshake starts out the normal way.
DC -> Hi, nice to meet you Joe.
You -> Nice to meet you too, Bob.
Minor pause.
DC -> So where did you go to school? (start of the dominant dog butt-sniffing ritual)
You -> I went to XYZ school.
DC -> I went to Ivy League XYZ school (Ivy is a trump card; you lose this round)
You -> Oh that is really interesting.
DC -> So what do you do for a living? (Next round of butt-sniffing)
You -> Oh I work for Company X as a Y.
DC -> I'm a partner in Law Firm X. (Setting you up for the money question)
You -> Wow that is really interesting.
DC -> So does your job pay pretty well? (Just to make sure you make less)
You -> Yeah it's alright.
DC -> Last year I made 200k + bonus (Just to clarify your failure)
You -> That's really impressive (At this point you have lost)
DC -> Nice to meet you. I'll catch up with you later (I won't be back; you suck)
Now, if you get in this situation the correct way to answer is the following:
DC -> So where did you go to school? (Start of the dominant dog butt-sniffing ritual)
You -> I graduated with Honors. (No school, just titles; it catches them off-guard)
DC -> I went to Ivy League XYZ school. (Now he's off guard and trying to recover)
You -> [Yawn...] So how much do you make? (Beat them to it)
DC -> I'm a partner in Law Firm X, and I make 200k + bonus.
You -> Not really enough money to live around here is it? How's your townhouse?
DC -> Uh, my town house is fine. (Might have to back down)
You -> Kind of sucks to have to live around other people, doesn't it? Do you have a yard?
DC -> It's actually really nice, the city is really excellent. (Translation: you asshole)
You -> How's traffic? I hear it sucks.
DC -> I don't have a car, I ride the metro.
You -> You make 200K and you don't have a car? Traffic must be hell! How are the seats on the metro?
DC -> Fine. I usually stand.
You -> Ever been mugged?
DC -> Nice meeting you, I have to run over there, and talk to XYZ.
You = Win :-)
The handshake starts out the normal way.
DC -> Hi, nice to meet you Joe.
You -> Nice to meet you too, Bob.
Minor pause.
DC -> So where did you go to school? (start of the dominant dog butt-sniffing ritual)
You -> I went to XYZ school.
DC -> I went to Ivy League XYZ school (Ivy is a trump card; you lose this round)
You -> Oh that is really interesting.
DC -> So what do you do for a living? (Next round of butt-sniffing)
You -> Oh I work for Company X as a Y.
DC -> I'm a partner in Law Firm X. (Setting you up for the money question)
You -> Wow that is really interesting.
DC -> So does your job pay pretty well? (Just to make sure you make less)
You -> Yeah it's alright.
DC -> Last year I made 200k + bonus (Just to clarify your failure)
You -> That's really impressive (At this point you have lost)
DC -> Nice to meet you. I'll catch up with you later (I won't be back; you suck)
Now, if you get in this situation the correct way to answer is the following:
DC -> So where did you go to school? (Start of the dominant dog butt-sniffing ritual)
You -> I graduated with Honors. (No school, just titles; it catches them off-guard)
DC -> I went to Ivy League XYZ school. (Now he's off guard and trying to recover)
You -> [Yawn...] So how much do you make? (Beat them to it)
DC -> I'm a partner in Law Firm X, and I make 200k + bonus.
You -> Not really enough money to live around here is it? How's your townhouse?
DC -> Uh, my town house is fine. (Might have to back down)
You -> Kind of sucks to have to live around other people, doesn't it? Do you have a yard?
DC -> It's actually really nice, the city is really excellent. (Translation: you asshole)
You -> How's traffic? I hear it sucks.
DC -> I don't have a car, I ride the metro.
You -> You make 200K and you don't have a car? Traffic must be hell! How are the seats on the metro?
DC -> Fine. I usually stand.
You -> Ever been mugged?
DC -> Nice meeting you, I have to run over there, and talk to XYZ.
You = Win :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
