Columbia Shopping Hordes

I've already told you there isn't any food here, but what you might now know is that there isn't any shopping here either. The only places to shop are Wal-Mart, which as we all know is the evil empire, Target, which is a runner up for evil, and the Columbia Mall, which is full of pre-teens and teenagers. So, if you need something simple Tar'get and the 'Mart are your only choices.

Today I needed Cat Food and Ant Poison, because one, my cats are hungry, and two, the pest control guy can't seem to kill the ants in my kitchen. I set out for the Pet's Mart (we actually have one), and I was pleasantly surprised that, on a Saturday, the parking lot was empty. I then realized that it was empty because Best Buy moved out of the shopping center, and incidentally, out of Columbia. Best Buy realized that paying Columbia taxes was stupid, when they could just move two miles down the road and be way better off.

After the Pet's Mart experience I was really happy, because it didn't suck to get in and out of the parking lot. I prayed that finding my Ant Poison would be a just as enjoyable. Since I had on my "Wal-Mart. Your place for cheap plastic sh!t" T-Shirt, I assumed that Wal-Mart was a bad option for a good shopping experience. I went to Target.....

To get into Target you have two options, a four-lane road that you have to figure out how to cross, or a two-lane road that has two incorrectly timed lights. Doesn't sound that bad until you realize that the four-lane road is very busy, and you have to make a left across the oncoming traffic. The two-lane road is even worse; having two traffic lights in less than 50 feet.

Once you figure out how to actually get to the Target, you then have to figure out how to get a f*cking parking space. This is a pretty complex endeavour, because, as I said earlier, you only have three options for shopping in Columbia, so the place is packed with the Columbia Shopping Hordes.

The Hordes are made up of the following:

1. The front lines are the Elderly - The elderly run interference in the parking lot by standing in the middle of the road, or wandering aimlessly through the parking lot. If you get really unlucky they attempt to cross the road in front of you with a walker or some other slow mode of locomotion.

2. The second lines are the Soccer Moms - These ladies drive aimlessly through the parking lot looking for the best place to park. They take hours to do this, and most of the time they cut you off without even noticing. Then they unload their car, and twelve screaming children run out of it. Most of the time the kids run into the lanes of the parking lot and attempt to commit suicide. I like to honk at them, as it causes them to jump or cry. Either way, it's funny.

3. The third line is the Family Shopper - These people show up in force, mom, dad, kids, grandma, cousin, uncle, etc, all in the same mini-van or SUV looking to shop this store all day long. They have lists and are motived, but they have to carry a load of people with them everywhere they go. Normally they have two carts, and take up an entire aisle in the store. They bother you by always being in the aisle you need to be in, and taking up the entire thing. They can also be spotted by the cart size package of toilet paper they have.

4. The last line is the Asshole - These are the people that think the store belongs to them. The guy that parks his cart in the middle of the aisle, the 20-item guy in the 10-item-or-less express checkout line, the d!ck without a UPC on something, the open item guy, the lady that investigates every carton before moving to the next item, the pre-teen running through the store, the idiot who can't use the credit card machine and continues to swipe the card the wrong way, the store employee who doesn't know where something is and finally, the douche bag who can't make change.

After I navigated the hordes I left the store only to be greeted by the teenage parking lot party, that just so happened to be in my way. They had snarled traffic out of the parking lot for miles. The elderly, the soccer moms, and even the assholes couldn't figure out what to do. I gunned it, and they moved. Time for a drink.