Dunkin'Robbins

Because Columbia is a suburban hamlet, it does not support independently-owned businesses; especially restaurants and coffee shops. Read "All You Can Eat Suck" for more on this phenomenon. This means our dining choices are limited to Ken-Taco-Hut, Dominato's and "a great little I-talian place called the Olive Garden" (an actual quote from a real, live moron!).

So on this fine, Saturday morning in the middle of June I decided to get some doughnuts and bagels. In my old neighborhood in Arlington, VA I had a choice of three places within walking distance - Pastries by Randolph (or Randy's Pie Shop, as my dad calls it), Cassat's (a coffee shop) or Parisienne Express (self-explanatory). All of these options included good coffee, baked goods made on the premises by the owner and a short line (never more than 2-3 minutes of waiting).

Here in Columbia we are fortunate to have a shopping center within walking/biking distance (biking recommended for expediency's sake). That's where the good fortune ends. The rather paltry offerings of said shopping center consist of: Giant Food grocery store, Royal Farms convenience store, a dry cleaners, a sub-standard Asian joint, a sub-standard Italian joint, a Wings-to-Go (yet untested), a travel agency (who uses them anymore in this age of Orbitz and Travelocity?!), a UPS store (next to Giant, probably the most useful business in the center) and a Frankenstein-like combination of Dunkin' Donuts and Baskin Robbins, which I refer to as Dunkin'Robbins. Note the auspicious and vexing lack of a liquor mart.

For the purposes of this morning's errand, I knew I would be forced to patronize the Dunkin'Robbins. I scooted up there on my bike, looking forward to the guilty indulgence of a doughnut assortment and an everything bagel with cream cheese on the side. This was only my second time using this particular Dunkin'Robbins, and the last time didn't go so well because the store was out of everything except for cranberry-granola bagels and strawberry doughnuts (blech!). So I had some fear in the back of my mind, especially when I saw the swim meet at the neighborhood pool (the horror!). Would the donuts be gone? Would the line be long?

Indeed, the line was long. Out the door, in fact. I walked in at the same time as about five other people. "Jesus Christ!" exclaimed one man, who turned angrily and got back in his car. The other people wandered off in the direction of Royal Farms. I chose to stick it out. Fifteen minutes later I found myself before an impatient cashier who demanded to know if she could "help" me in broken English. Sadly, the everything bagels were gone. So were all the other bagels, except for the dreaded cranberry-granola (they had plenty of those on hand). Fortunately, the doughnut selection was in better shape. Reluctantly I chose the last sesame bagel (battered beyond recognition) and four donuts.

Why was this such an ordeal? Well, first of all Dunkin'Robbins doesn't make any of their donuts or bagels on the premises. Their inventory is held hostage by the logistics capabilities of some central distribution facility. If they don't deliver enough of a popular item the store is out of that item until the next delivery. They also had about five people standing around with only one register open. The line was 20 people long, and customers were ordering donuts and ice cream. However, nobody was standing in the Robbins section of Dunkin'Robbins. Therefore, the people ordering ice cream held up the people ordering donuts and vice-versa. As a final touch, the doughnuts are hidden behind a rather tall counter. Customers have no way of browsing the available doughnut choices until they are actually being helped, and usually the person ahead of them in line was still finishing their transaction, effectively blocking the view. Brilliant!

This never happened at Randy's Pie Shop. A refrigerated glass case, displaying the artistry of Randy's expert pastry-making runs the length of the store. Staff are spread all along this counter helping customers. When you enter the store, you simply take a number and are helped as soon as your number is called, which generally coincides with the amount of time required to look over the selections.

Although Randy's staff consists of the standard retail workforce fare, teens, recent arrivals (immigrants) and grizzled veterans, all behaved like professionals. They were always courteous, clean and knew how to make change. Sadly, this cannot be said of the Dunkin'Robbins staff. Of the five people behind the counter this morning only one was working, the grizzled veteran who also happened to have weak English skills. She encouraged her teenage co-worker (who was laughing and flirting with the two "toaster jockeys," who were also f*cking off) to start helping customers behind me. Remember that I couldn't see which donuts/bagels were still in stock because the person ahead of me was still paying (one register, cashier with no math skills), so how could the person behind me place an order without shoving me aside? The resulting chaos left us all frazzled.

So what do I recommend? I think Dunkin'Robbins should add a walk-up window, a drive-thru window and a walk-in shop with two separate lines that are fully-staffed and clearly marked. I also think they should add in-house baking capabilities. How hard can it be? Subway bakes their own *bread* (I use the term lightly), so why can't Dunkin'? Next, I would invest in (as part of their corporate responsibility program) developing high school math curricula that teaches the next generation of cashiers and retail managers HOW to MAKE CHANGE. An important skill, even if they never work retail.

Finally, I would add a freakin' liquor store to the Columbia Palace shopping center. I know I needed a drink after my donut run, and wouldn't it be nice to make booze-buying a walkable endeavour? Perhaps I will lobby MADD to get the licensing process started...